Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
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Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
I don’t make the rules sorry
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?