Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
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Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
I’m not alone. I have ants.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition