BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
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It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target