my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
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Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
If a snake ate a cake
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”