Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
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In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.