A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
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Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
nature’s most graceful animal
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.