Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
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toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”