I’m not average. I’m mean.
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I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
I mean…but I did
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.