Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
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[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
My sex drive has a dui
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it