Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
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Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.