Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
You Might Also Like
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying