I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
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roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
Cake!!
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
This a good idea
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
This probably isn’t good
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*