Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
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Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.