If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
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Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
me logging onto twitter
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?