The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
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I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
I’m giving up for Lent.
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.