I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
You Might Also Like
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
okay run it by me one more time
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.