you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
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If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
I self medicate, therefore you live.
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.