Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
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absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..