It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you š
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You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldnāt notice.
You havenāt lived until youāve had a dog give you the āJesus Christ go to bed alreadyā look
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years Iāve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if theyāre just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
āInvisible Womanā just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
I canāt find anything in my job description about being awake
Moms be like, āYour cousinās neighborās husbandās aunt died. Just thought you should know.ā
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as āThis sucksā and āStop itā and āWhy are you doing this to us, Mom?ā
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
I probably shouldnāt say this, but if you googled āhow to NOT get away with murdering somebodyā and then just did the opposite thereās no way the cops could make you a suspect
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
Husband: Donāt tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said ābefore you leaveā no. I already made the decision.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
Why does laundry happen to good people?
Me: *driving* Look, kids, itās Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You canāt miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: Heās picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: Heās hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDNāT SEE HIM!!