When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
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The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
I feel seen.
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
What fresh Hell is this?!?
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
another case of gang violins
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo