Autocannibalism is self-serving.
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Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.