The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
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Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
Am I having a stroke?
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
The smoothest fall of all time
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.