Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
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me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.