My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
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Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
HOW DARE YOU
Death certificates are our last participation award.
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.