Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
You Might Also Like
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience