roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
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To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird