family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
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Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.