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[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.