Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
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*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
Real House Wines.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
Holy shit he’s back
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!