Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
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Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
when mom throws a party…
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle