[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
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Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.