hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
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DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit