Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
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Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw