“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
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Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
And then there were 4
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.