When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
You Might Also Like
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
Sooo many times…..
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.