Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
You Might Also Like
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
Perfect
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?