me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
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Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.