Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
You Might Also Like
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
Life hack
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
This will never not be funny 😭
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.