Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
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Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
My Plans 2020
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
#Caturday
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.