Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
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Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering