*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
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How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
the red hot silly peppers
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way