my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
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Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
BETRAYAL
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”