*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
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a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
Name another movie that mislead you?
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood