Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
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My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.