Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
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Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
Inside you there are two wolves
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
john wicks are toilet candles
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS