Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
You Might Also Like
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
So glad we cleared that up
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
vegan witches, happy halloween!
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*