I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
You Might Also Like
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
Sometimes? I’m slipping
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
This is always good for a laugh.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard