“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
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I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to