My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
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Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
Love this one 😂🧟