“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
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Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
👾👾👾
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema